If you’re plugged into the social world
chances are you’ve seen an article floating around from any number of
publications this past month relating to the Pentagon’s Zombie Defense
Strategy. Some of you may have scrolled over this, some of you may have clicked
it and said, “ha ha, I get it!”. Some of you may even have locked yourself in
your bedroom with three thousand boxes of Girl Scout Thin Mints, 600 gallons of
water, and every season of The Walking Dead on Netflix (in the name of research
of course).
I’m here to tell you it was a joke.
Kinda-sorta.
See the Department of Defense does have a strategy for a zombie
apocalypse. It isn’t because it’s a feasible threat. It’s actually because it
isn’t. Not making any sense to you? That’s okay. Today at To Infinity and…In
Theory we’re going to break into the Pentagon’s file and declassify some
zombies for you. We’ll also check out some possible real scientific reasons
these methods may one day become useful.
After all, what’s the world without a little
mad science?
U.S. Army Handbook on
Zombie Survival Training
Yeah, it’s not
legal to just own a belt-fed chain gun. Good thing I doubt we’ll be facing an
outbreak of zombie-citus anytime soon. But if we do, the Pentagon has a very
thorough, declassified version of “Max
Brooks” “Zombie Survival Guide”. Since they have no actual Science to draw
from, as we scientists do from time to time, they turn to guys like Asimov and
Heinlein to lay it out for us. In other words, Science Fiction.
We’ve seen plenty
of cases where Science Fiction became science fact; in fact, we’ve talked about several of those instances here before on
this blog. For the most part it’s fairly detailed and on the bright side, it’s
intended as a training exercise with a sense of humor. The disclaimer at the
beginning of CONPLAN 8888-11 “Counter-Zombie Dominance” (Yes, that’s the real
****ing name of the document) stresses this, the absurdity is intended to
invoke a laugh, but the preparedness training it offers is very much real.
In response to a
pathogenic defense in which the CDC would be involved with a Class-4 or above
pathogen (think Ebola on steroids. Yay! …) it’s a great plan. And in this day
and age, a biological preparedness plan is not a bad idea. The plan is split
into several phases, and as the man who penned the disclaimer said, there are
giggles to be induced.
It covers
protecting our water, power, and sewage facilities, medical facilities, and how
to kill and dispose of bodies. Phase 4 involves immolation of the corpse. Yep,
that’s right. The DOD tells you to burn your zombie kills, otherwise they could
come back from the dead.
So what kind of
re-animated nightmares are we talking about here? I mean, zombies aren’t real
right? So like…how do they prepare for that?
By being extremely
(and cynically at times) thorough.
Evil Magic Radiated Voodoo
Chicken Zombies From Space!
According to the
CDRUSSTRATCOMM CONPLAN 8888-11 there are several types of zombies we need to
worry about. We’re going to break them down just as the manual does so we’re
sure to avoid any confusion in the event these tactics ever actually be
deployed.
Pathogenic Zombie (PZ):
The strategy guide
declassified unto us by the Pentagon says that “PZ’s are zombie life forms
created after an organism is infected by a virus or bacteria or some other form
of contagion.” This means a pandemic on a global scale. Pathogens can spread
quickly, infect mercilessly and indiscriminately, and can incubate and manifest
over a period of anywhere between ten minutes to ten days.
So what’s the plan
for Pathogenic Zombies? Quarantine duh. After which point epidemiological
scanning and monitoring will be vital. Non-Humans will be shot in the brain
stem and burned. No exceptions.
NEXT!
Radiation Zombies (RZ):
The plan outlines
radioactive zombies thusly. “RZ’s are zombie life forms created after an
organism is infected by an extreme dosage of electromagnetic and/or particle
radiation.” This means whether it’s a radioactive waste spill or the sun
decides to blast us with Fantastic Four levels of cosmic radiation the military
has a mobilization strategy.
The problem with
rad zombies though is they create another barrier, radiation exposure. Even if
soldiers and civilians aren’t infected, continuous contact with non-humans
could result in fatal radiation poisoning anyway. Yay for harmful side effects.
(Lots of cynical yays today…)
You’re going to
love the next ones, and yes, they’re very real. (To this defense strategy
anyway.)
Evil Magic Zombies (EMZ):
Yes.
There is a detailed
plan meant to defend us against Evil Magic Zombies. The ever so scientific and
vaguely…um…vague, description of these is as follows: “EMZ’s are life forms
created via some form of occult experimentation in what might otherwise be referred
to as “evil magic””
So…yeah…beware of
Nazi Zombies and all that jazz.
We all know Hitler
had zombies and demons. Call of Duty and Wolfenstein told us so! All joking
aside this is most likely in reference to the Haitian culture relating to
voodoo which we’ll talk about a little bit later.
The next group is
out of this world. Literally.
Space Zombies (SZ):
Zombies can strike
from anywhere, at any time. The Department of Defense luckily has us covered
from any undead commuting back from the ISS. There are actually two parts to
the classification of Space Zombies.
1. “SZ’s are zombie life forms originating from space or created by toxic contamination of the earth environment via some form of extra-terrestrial toxin or radiation.”
2. “”Zombie Satellites” can be classified as
SZ’s, however they pose no danger to humans (unless they conduct an unplanned
de-orbit). Typically zombie satellites only pose a threat to the SATCOM
services like DirectTV (Refer to Galaxy 15 incident-May 2010)”
I
swear to Christ those are copied verbatim from the manual. I would just like to
know what their point of reference for zombie satellites threat to DirectTV is.
Clearly they are better informed then the rest of us. Hmm…anyway, moving right
along.
Weaponized Zombie (WZ)
Like SZ’s, WZ’s
have two classifications as well.
1.
“WZ’s are zombie life forms
deliberately created via bio-mechanical engineering for the purpose of being
employed as weapons. Zombie weaponization programs and supporting
infrastructures are included in COAs to deal with these threats.”
2.
“The movie “The Crazies” exemplifies
the most common type of WZ (humans turned into zombies via exposure to toxic
chemicals/gasses)”
Oh yeah, that’s
right, calling on a “classic” horror film like The Crazies as a reference tool
is a bold move, even for the government. Weaponized zombies seem unlikely to me
however, mostly because the zombies we’ve become accustomed to over the years whether
they are slow shamblers or terrifying sprinters, they are dumb, mindless,
creatures, regardless of their origin story.
Speaking of origin
stories, our next one actually may be more probable than I’d care to admit. Out
of everything on this list aside from PZs, the Symbiote variety of zombies
actually sort of occurs in nature already; thankfully it hasn’t been adapted to
us yet. Without further ado.
Symbiant-Induced Zombies (SIZ)
Okay, so she’s not
a zombie, but that is one hot symbiote. The Symbiant-Induced Zombies may be the
worst considering a fungus already exists in nature that has zombie like
effects on ants. It’s called Cordyceps, and it’s the primary focus of this
section of CONPLAN 8888.
“SIZ’s are life
forms originating from the introduction of a symbiant life form into an
otherwise healthy host. Although the symptoms of symbiant zombieism is similar
in most regards to pathogenic zombieism, the symbiant does not kill the host
organism quickly, or at all. However, there is no known way to save an organism
after zombieism has occurred, even if the symbiant is removed.”
This is also true
and we’ll talk a little more about Cordyceps later and how it affects the host.
Our next zombie is fairly harmless to human kind but foliage had better look
out, because these guys may be the biggest cause for deforestation since human expansion.
Vegetarian Zombies (VZ)
This section of the
defense strategy reads like a painful 60s acid induced low-budget Sci-Fi film
made in some mother’s basement in the suburbs somewhere. “VZ’s are zombie life
forms originating from any cause but pose no direct threat to humans because they
only eat plant life (as indicated in the popular game “Plants VS. Zombies”).
Although VZ’s do not attack humans or other animal life, they will consume all
plant life in front of them. They can cause massive de-forestation or
elimination of basic food crops essential to humans (rice, corn, soybeans).”
As an addendum they
have written “Of note, where normal carnivorous zombies commonly groan the word
“brains” semi-comprehensibly, VZ’s can be identified by their aversion to
humans, affinity for plants, and their tendency to semi-comprehensibly groan
the word “grains.””
By golly, I think
the DOD just made a joke.
Oh wait my mistake,
this next ones the joke.
Chicken Zombies (CZ)
Haha! I lied again.
Actually, out of all the zombies on this list this is the only one the DOD is
willing to admit actually exists. While they aren’t actually zombies, and they
aren’t anything to worry about, chicken zombies are scary as balls, and sad at
the same time. They are defined as follows.
“Although it sounds
ridiculous, this is actually the only proven class of zombie that actually
exists.”
“CZ’s were first
documented in Jonathan M. Forrester’s 4 Dec. 2006 online article “Zombie Chickens
Taking Over California.””
“CZ’s occur when
old hens that can no longer lay eggs are incorrectly euthanized by poultry
farmers using carbon monoxide. The hens are then deposited in large piles to
decompose. The hens appear to be dead when buried, but inexplicably come back
to life and dig themselves out from the piles of dead chickens. After reaching
the surface, CZ’s stagger about for a period of time before ultimately expiring
due to internal organ failure.”
“CZ’s are simply
terrifying to behold and are likely only to make people become vegetarians in
protest to animal cruelty. They appear to be no direct threat to humans. They
are different from WZ’s because they are the result of actions taken to kill a
living organism verse actions taken to deliberately re-animate dead organisms
or impair life functions to a minimal function.”
Yes, chicken
zombies are real.
So now that we know
what the DOD is worried about, let’s talk a little bit about the why.
When There’s No More
Room In Hell…
In the 60s there was a strange case that
arose out of Haiti. A man named Clairvius Narcisse, who had been presumed dead
for several years, strolled back into town with a story to tell. A story so
crazy it had to be true. Turns out,
the Bokor, which is a Haitian Voodoo sorcerer of sorts, had turned him into a
zombie and forced him into slavery on a sugar plantation.
And he wasn’t the only one. Others had been
zombiefied and put to work. In fact, Narcisse is still alive today, and he’s
known throughout his village as “the man who was once a zombie”. That’s a
heckuva title.
And it’s not completely true. Narcisse was
never a true zombie as he had not really died and been re-animated. Even though
he had been pronounced dead, buried alive, exhumed, and returned, that’s where
our brain-eater similarities end. Turns out everything Clairvius experienced is
completely explainable.
After a quarrel with his brother over land,
Clairvius was administered a high dosage of a neurotoxin known as Tetrodotoxin.
It’s more commonly known as Pufferfish venom. Tetrodotoxin is known to induce a
death-like state when used in a certain way. It slows down metabolic processes,
requiring less oxygen intake; ergo the lack of breathing that can fool a
non-attentive physician.
After his burial he was dug up by our
sorcerer and given a combination of hallucinogens derived from the venom of
certain Toads. It was this that took away his free will and made Narcisse and
others like him into the zombie. Fortunately the plantation owner died and
Narcisse wandered home when regular doses of the Toad venom stopped.
So I guess it’s a good thing the NSA is ready
for Evil Magic Zombies…NOT!
While the classic signs and symptoms of
zombiefication may present under the duress of certain chemicals administered to
the human body, alas “real” zombies cannot exist. The deadness would kind of be
their biggest downfall. Being dead means no blood movement, which means no
muscle movement, which means no zombie walkers.
Cordyceps have been talked about in recent
years as well. Some have even said people plan to weaponize Cordyceps and video
games such as “The Last of Us” take this theme to the extreme with an
unforgettable story.
Cordyceps is a fungus that infects ants however.
Our physiology is much more complicated than that of an ant, so is our free
will. While it would be theoretically possible for Cordyceps to create a strain
that could affect humans, it would seem highly unlikely as ants make a much
better carrier than we would and are much simpler to infect.
The point I’m trying to make is Zombies are
fun…in the movies, but this Pentagon plan is just a semi-joke. It was actually
designed to teach people how to devise a STATCOMM plan, but they wanted to make
it fun for once. You can read the entire .PDF of the Pentagon’s Zombie Strategy
by clicking here.
Until next time everyone!
-Ryan Sanders
Thanks
for reading everyone! And feel free to share this around on Twitter and
Facebook and whatnot! As always, if you want to know more feel free to follow
any of the links below! Happy learning!
No comments:
Post a Comment