Mother Nature is temperamental (as seen in
our article “Strange Phenomenon: The Sorcery of Nature.”)
but it isn’t just the weather that seems bi-polar. Sometimes this little blue
ball we share with all this amazing wildlife can turn into a dangerous and
deadly place. From scary animals like Polar Bears and Great White Sharks, to
ridiculous (but violent) sounding ones like the Honey Badger and Mantis Shrimp,
sometimes nature can be unnecessarily aggressive.
Come with us at TI&IT today while we
discuss some of the ornery creatures in the animal kingdom. By the end of this
list today you might find yourself surprised at what you learn about some of
these buggers. You also might learn a little bit about what not to provoke on
your next African Safari.
First on our list is one that you might think
doesn’t belong but I assure you, he does.
The Hippopotamus.
“Why
You Runnin’ Bro?”
Somehow, in all the scenarios I go over in my
head, from all the animals in the world I pictured someday I might have to run
away from, never in a million years did the landmass Hippopotamus come to mind.
But if you agitate one of these foul herbivores, you’re in for some hella
cardio.
The hippo is the third largest land mammal
after the elephant and the rhinoceros (respectfully). Weighing in anywhere
between one and a half to three tons this beast is still capable of reaching
land speeds up to 19 mph. When’s the last time you clocked yourself? Because
I’ll bet you can’t run that fast, and even if you can, the Hippo can maintain
that land speed till its anger at your face wears off (or it tears your face off. Come whatever may).
And the last part is more likely to happen than
its anger subsiding. The Hippopotamus is one of the most aggressive creatures
in the world, and as such, is the leading cause of animal related death in
Africa. That’s right; it ranks higher than lions, tigers, and crocodiles.
(Figure that out)
Actually it isn’t hard to figure out really.
Most Hippo attacks toward humans and crocodiles while typically unprovoked occur
near the water source where the attacking Hippo resides. Reproduction and child
rearing occur in the rivers. Think about it like this.
You and your wife/husband just had a baby.
Now all of a sudden big Hawks keep flying in the bedroom and circling over the
cradle. (Most of us would close the window but remember this meant to be
analogous…) While these hawks most likely won’t attack your newborn baby they
are flying over your nursery, and they’re dangerous, you don’t want them there.
So you attack and kill them.
That’s basically what the Hippo is doing.
Defending its young as infant Hippos are far more frequently the subject of
predation over their adult counterparts (obviously, Hippos are huge). It doesn’t have time to decide
whether or not you’re a true threat. You’re just in its home and you were not
invited.
And wary of humans they should be. While
adult Hippos don’t really have any natural predators other than the occasional
pack of lions teaming up or Nile Crocodiles doing the same, Humans are fine
with killing them off for their ivory Canine teeth and fatty bodies.
Kudos Humans, for continuing to suck.
“Mama Said Knock You
Out!”
Boxers could take a hint from this colorful
undersea critter. That’s the Mantis Shrimp, and don’t let its miniscule size-implying
name fool you. This thing makes Rocky Balboa and Muhammed Ali look like
amateurs. Even though most species are only about a foot long or less on
average, it’s the only full-aquatic animal to make this list. Why? Because the
Mantis Shrimp is total butthole.
Most Crustaceans’ aren’t really known for
aggression, but not this guy. Even with the scant amount of information we’ve
been able to glean about these elusive creatures we have come to one
conclusion. They are violent. They are capable of taking on prey several times
their size, and they will hunt, track, and kill their own dinner. Some are
known as spearers and some are known as smashers. And I’m aware those sound
like categories at a horror film award show.
So what’s their secret? Their club-like claw
appendage. From a standing position, the spring loaded murder weapon is capable
of reaching speeds up to 23 m/s. (Yes, that’s per second) This blinding jab is so fast its capable of
superheating the water around its prey. The rapid strike can help the Mantis
Shrimp break through its dinner much more quickly by creating a secondary blast
that’s like a bomb worth 1500 Newton’s going off to ratio. Why is this
important?
Because the Mantis Shrimp likes mussels, and
not the Schwarzenegger kind, more like the Clam kind. With a few raps of its
arm mounted Billy club, the Mantis Shrimp can bust through the tough outer
shell of Mollusks, getting to the sweet, soft organs inside. Yum.
They usually reside in their underground
burrows in the warmer waters of the Pacific Ocean between Africa and Hawaii,
but are known to pop out occasionally for ritualized fighting. Don’t know what
that is? Remember how the Romans used to give slaves swords and tell them to
kill each other? Kind of like that except the Mantis Shrimp loves it. Oh yeah,
they’ll come out to go on a murder spree too when they’re hungry.
They aren’t deadly to humans, but they can
inflict some major damage if mishandled. Hence the nickname “Thumb-splitters”
due to the gashes (and sometimes breaks) inflicted on the handlers thumbs.
They’ve even been known to shatter aquarium glass with one quick hook.
Float like that Mayweather.
Flight of the
Sociopathic Bumblebee
Killer Bees, as they’re so commonly called, are
a somewhat apt description for these buzzing drones of doom. But they aren’t
really harmful to us, just to that poor little fellow on the right. African
Bees are a little more aggressive (just like every animal from there it seems
like) then their European counterparts, contain the same amount of venom, and
there’s a problem. They’ve been here since the 1950s.
It wasn’t until the 90s that they were widely
becoming reported and that was when they earned the name Killer Bees. A few
deaths were reported but that’s easily explained. Unlike our usual honeybees,
these guys have a much higher tendency to swarm, and they’ll chase you farther,
and they send more bees after you. But this isn’t technically aggressive
behavior. This is what scientists call “Hyper-Defensive.”
And who can blame them? We are perceived as a
big threat by most animals and to something with such a large size ratio
difference there are no exceptions. But where they’re defensive toward us,
there is something there are excessively aggressive against.
Other bees.
Africanized Honey Bees will take over a
European colony and kill the queen, replacing it with one of their own. After
this is done the rest of the bees, even the stragglers, are killed off (no
witnesses and all that). That is how they managed to spread throughout South,
Central, and the Southern half of Northern America so easily.
The funny thing is they were actually bred by
a mad scientist (you’d have to be to play with these crazy buggers) but they
were accidentally released by a replacement bee-keeper. He didn’t know what
they were, just saw bees he didn’t want to deal with anymore and released them
into the wild of Sao Paulo, Brazil. (Lovely…)
Turns out they’re pretty fertile and
versatile and mating with their European brethren is no problem. The good news
is (at least for us in the Northern States) Africanized Honey Bees don’t like
our unnaturally aggressive winters, so we won’t be having to swat them and pray
his buddies don’t find out this summer.
Never thought I’d say this, but thank heavens
for the bi-polar nature of a snowy Michigan Summer.
“Kiss of Death”
Guess what? Something else from Africa that
can kill you. (And you thought Australia had an ecological nightmare) The Black
Mamba snake is deadly as it is beautiful and can range in color from charcoal
grey to emerald green depending on the breed. Their head is a coffin shape, and
it’s fitting, because if one bites you and twenty minutes go by without medical
attention, you’re most likely going to need one.
They’re the fastest land snake, capable of
reaching speeds of twelve MPH, (yeah, he can outrun you) so it’s no wonder
people are terrified of them. It also doesn’t help that on top of the lightning
fast speed they only have to have about a third of their body in contact with
the ground in order to power them forward. This means they raise the rest of
their body (up to four feet of it) off the ground, extend their hood (the
dorsal around the sides of their head) and chase you, hissing with fangs out
through the brush.
They can sit up straight and climb into
trees. Trees that farmers usually harvest fruit from. I have just one thing to
say…
**** that!
When they strike they are capable of
administering plenty of venom to seal your fate and they hit you multiple times
before scurrying away. The toxin they inject is a paralytic, slowly crippling
your nervous system. Eventually your lungs shut down and you die. There is an antivenom,
but it’s rare and difficult to come by in the environment. Hence the nickname
“The Kiss of Death”.
Contrary to popular belief, like the
Africanized Honey Bee they really aren’t aggressive toward humans, just
defensive. Their biggest threat is the destruction of their environment. So
here’s a hint, if you don’t wanna get bit by a Black Mamba…
…Get the hell off their land!
“The Widowmaker”
The African (seein’ a theme here…) or Cape buffalo
is yet another extremely aggressive creature from the continent known for diamonds
and disparity. With a face like a sweet ol’ cow it’s easy to be fooled, but
don’t be, they gore and kill more than 200 people a year. And they seem to
rather enjoy it.
The Cape buffalo has built in body armor in
its head. The center where the two horns meet is called the “Boss” (seriously)
and it’s not always penetrable by a bullet. In fact, if you rattle a shot off
it, all you’re going to do is tick it off. And should you do that, ha, best of
luck to you my friend.
It’s able to reach speeds of 35 MPH, has an
extremely thick hide, weighs around a metric ton, and should you wound it, it
will stalk you. It doesn’t matter where you run; it will hunt you down and kill
you. (He’s from the block son!)
Despite their intense hatred for humans (and
let’s be honest who can blame them?) the males tend to display extremely
altruistic behavior toward females. Fights between other males are rare and
brief. Females pick which direction the herd travels, and should a distressed
member call out for help they’ll send out a rescue party.
They just hate humans. Plain and simple.
Sorry guys, maybe you shouldn’t shoot ‘em for trophies…
Food for thought.
Speaking of leftovers, next is the Hyena.
“Hey
uh…You Gonna Eat That?”
Awwww, look at that sweet little….
…that sweet uh…
…No. No, no thank you. That is one ugly,
matted, filthy, ugly creature. But the Savannah needs them, what with all the
bloodshed every other monster on this
list (and humans, don’t forget humans) inflicts across the plains, you’re going
to need some janitorial services. While the Hyena is mostly a scavenger, they
have a few antisocial personality traits that have earned them a special spot
on this list of jag-holes in the animal kingdom.
They have a taste for human flesh. Hyena
remains dating back to pre-historic times contained traces of human hair in the
digestive waste. Even in modern times it remains a problem. Some species shy
away from us but others are bold man-eaters (write a song about that Hall and
Oates) and we’re sort of responsible for it.
Hyena attacks are widely underreported, and
they often attack at night, striking the weak and infirm, children, and women.
Victims of African sleeping sickness were drug off in the night due to their
tendency to sleep outside in tents; people are attacked as they open their
front doors, why do they behave like this?
Years of war and famine. Hyenas have
consistently preyed on the remains of humans for hundreds of years,
predominately after coups and genocides. After a while it kind of desensitizes
you I’d imagine. This could be a leading factor into their increased attacks on
the human populace.
It also doesn’t help that we are slowly
encroaching on their environment. As population expands their habitat
disappears like everything else’s. But these canine-like clean-up crews of the
Savannah are thought to have at one point halted expansion of man into Alaska
and across the Bering Strait for quite some time. In fact, it wasn’t until the
extinction of the subspecies the Cave Hyena that man was able to expand his
empire.
If anything, you sort of have to admire that.
On the bright side, unlike the next animal on
this list, Hyenas aren’t very bright. Don’t believe me? Watch one get
outsmarted by a duck in the video below.
“Honey
Badger Don’t Give A ****”
Ah yes. The Honey Badger. Appropriately on
this list for several reasons. The first of which is the fact that its diet
primarily consists of poisonous snakes and violent stinging insects (such as real African Killer Bees). Next are its
vicious claws on its forelimbs. And third and mostly because, as the YouTube
video by Randall so aptly puts it, “Honey badger don’t give a [crap]!”
While its name was given to it long before
genetic sequencing its behavior is similar to that of the ornery Badger.
However once it was more closely analyzed under recent scientific advances, it
has been determined that the Honey “Badger” is more like the Honey “Weasel” or
the Honey “Wolverine” (Or the Honey “Hugh Jackman”). Nevertheless he remains a
fearless fighter.
It’s also extremely intelligent and one of
the few animals on the planet known to make and use tools. In a documentary in
1997 a Honey Badger was filmed making a pole out of a stick in order to fish
ants out of a log. You know what other species of animal’s does stuff like
that? Monkeys.
Its skin is extremely loose and seemingly
impenetrable. It can shake off the powerful venom of a Cobra with a nap and
doesn’t even feel porcupine quills or bee stings. It’s been known to ward off
Cape buffalo and other large land mammals that attack its burrows and get this…
They’ve attacked and chased away lions.
Take that Darwin.
They also like the taste of domesticated
chickens. They’re smart enough to tear boards off the coop or even tunnel under
the foundation. After all, digging is a way of life to the honey badger.
They’re capable of burrowing up to 3m underground in less than 10 minutes.
Deterring them is pretty hard as well. You can’t send a dog after them
(obviously).
Their loose skin is impervious to arrows and spears;
it’s even been known to take a few whacks from a machete before giving up. A
rifle or shotgun is the best method for keeping them away from the hen house.
(Sheesh, more like Zombie Badgers) The only safe way to grip one is by the
scruff of the neck, otherwise it can twist and turn inside its skin like it’s a
Crown Royal bag and just bite and claw you. But I’m not too keen on grabbing
hold of one any time soon.
The good news is they aren’t Native to North
America. They’re from (you probably guessed it) Africa and Southwest Asia, so
we won’t be defending the farm from hordes of Honey Badgers any time soon.
While they’re named for their sweet tooth
their demeanor is anything but. I hope you enjoyed reading this article as much
as I enjoyed writing it. Thanks!
-Ryan Sanders
Hope you had a blast
reading this! Please share it around on Facebook and Twitter if you enjoyed it!
Feel free to follow any of the links below to learn more about these remarkable
animals. Happy Learning!
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