Yesterday we talked about what kinds of
zombies the DOD and United States government aim to protect us from. But what
kind of plans could they possibly have? And where do these zombies come from
that they’re worried about? And what the heck happened in space to a DirectTV
satellite that was zombie related enough for them to go “huh…we should throw
that in the defense strategy.”?
In Part One we broke down the ridiculousness of their strategy, but we also
revealed that that was the intent. They wanted the report to read like a silly
science fiction novel. After all, when people are laughing as they’re learning
they’re enjoying what they’re learning. If not, the words may as well just be
bouncing off a brick wall.
Today in Part Two we’re going to discuss how
they intend to keep us safe from the hordes, where these worrisome zombies even
come from, and where they drew their inspiration for this strategy from.
Everything from Plants Vs. Zombies to Resident Evil, the NSA is on it, if it’s
a zombie, it’s in the strategy.
For the final section, we’ll break down this
apocalyptic sized two part entry into a list of all the scenarios we’ve
discussed, in order from least likely to what you should probably fear the
most. Let’s sink our teeth in to some Science (ish.)
All Hordes Not Created
Equal
There is one centralized theme that runs
throughout the entirety of the Defense Strategy. We need to protect our
citizens, power, water, and sewage. Not just from a zombie, but from multiple
zombies. Otherwise known as a horde. Those of you who have never watched The
Walking Dead or played Dead Island may not know what a horde of zombies looks
like. If a battalion of rotting fleshbags start meandering toward you, that’s what’s
known as a horde, see the opposite direction they’re moving? That’s where you
want to run.
However, there were a couple of zombie
classes on the strategy report that even in a horde format, I’m not too
concerned about. One was the Vegetarian Zombies. If Sunflowers and Dandelions
can kick those zombies down then we should have no problem, especially seeing
as they aren’t interested in eating us. The next ones are the Chicken Zombies.
While the sight of these Poultrygeists can be quite unnerving, there is nothing
fearsome about atrophied avian nibblers.
These are the two we’re going to break down
first.
Kentucky
Fried Zombies
Chicken is darn tasty. So are eggs, so it’s
not a wonder that the poultry industry attracts many entrepreneurs to the
field. There are billions of dollars to be made. But there are a host of
environmental factors would-be farmers have to take into account, some are
costly preventative measures, some are just common sense. Forty to fifty years
ago, laying-hens (the chickens that produce eggs) were used as stock for soup
and canned meat when they were “spent”. After all, a non-laying-hen contains
around five pounds of meat comparative to its one pound equivalent. Why would
you use a spent hen in lieu of a viable, strong counterpart?
And that is exactly what drove the industry
to its current “chicken recycling” practices. When a laying-hen is old and no
longer able to produce eggs it’s put to death. Back in the day these chickens
were sold as food, but consumer’s want big, meatier, chickens, so because of
this, processing plants stopped taking spent hens. This posed a major problem
for the farmer. Obviously they didn’t want to eat a thousand pounds of spent
meat themselves, and processing it for their own use cost hundreds of thousands
of dollars. So what do you do?
Chicken compost.
It sounds terrible but it’s actually not as
awful as you think. Everything dies, it’s an inevitability of life. But even
after death these chickens serve a vital purpose. As the birds decompose they
add valuable nutrients to the soil. As we all know from last week’s discussion
about vampire trees, trees and plants draw nutrients through their roots in the soil,
this compost is spread as a natural fertilizer in lieu of manmade, more
chemical oriented ones. Sounds pretty good to me.
And the chickens are humanely euthanized.
Placed in a sealed box, they are flooded with Carbon Monoxide which quickly
shuts down the brains ability to get oxygen. Within seconds the chickens lose
consciousness. Within minutes they are dead. The box is unsealed; the chicken
is removed, and layered into a compost pile of sawdust and woodchips. After
about a month the compost is usable.
But…sometimes…things don’t always go as
planned.
A California resident by the name of Jim
Stauffer witnessed what most of us would consider a scarring sight. From the
chicken farm next door, a lone hen was clawing its way to the surface of a
compost pile. The bird’s vacant expression and stumbling ambulation alerted Jim
that this creature was unwell. Within a few minutes the bird collapsed and died
from organ failure, but not before becoming the first zombie chicken.
This incident occurred several times on that farm;
however this is a rare occurrence for any farmer who is experienced. What Jim
witnessed was likely a young farmer who didn’t know what he was doing, the box
hadn’t remained sealed long enough for the chicken to die, and it was able to
recover enough oxygen to wake its brain up. But not for long, Monoxide
poisoning is deadly, and overexposure will kill you, but it isn’t painful at
least. This just goes to show you; sometimes what’s good for the goose is rather
arbitrary to the gander…and not good for the goose at all.
Graaaains
Okay…it’s hard to write this section. Not
because it’s difficult to research, it’s just difficult to maintain a straight
face. I have no idea what method would cause a zombie to go for greens over
brains but whatever the cause one thing is certain.
These zombies are ridiculous.
If the video game is to be believed these
zombies come apart rather easily, aren’t concerned with humans, and really
enjoy munching on oversized walnuts. A lawnmower is capable of taking them out
and the heaviest body armor I’ve witnessed is football helmets and serapes.
In short, these zombies are purely fictional,
and even if they were created are easily handled. My concern over this is where
did the Pentagon get its concrete factual sounding information on their “tendencies
to incomprehensibly groan the word “Grains””. Look out Vegans, sounds like the
Pentagon has some experimentation lined up for you.
Now that we’ve gotten those two out of the
way, let’s get semi-serious for a moment and talk about the ones that could
exist and become problematic to human life, starting with the most commonly
concerning one of them all.
The Viral outbreak.
The Real T-Virus
Most of us know about Resident Evil, and so,
we know about the Umbrella Corporation. Ever since the advent of Pharmaceutical
Corporations we have had the advent of human experimentation and pure,
unbridled evil. They claim to do their shady research in the name of Science
and enlightenment, but for the most part, some of these people just enjoy
torture and the benefits of money that the ends eventually can produce.
So it’s no wonder people are terrified of a
real-life scenario in which a real-life Umbrella style Corporation creates a
mutagenic virus capable of altering our DNA to the point of zombie-like
symptoms. In fact, not too long ago, a couple of microbiologists were asked to
weigh in on the probability of this; surprisingly they both said the same
thing. Rabies.
Rabies already behaves a little bit like
zombieism. In both situations the host is overcome with primal urges. While the
zombie feeds to restore energy to damaged cells due to its pathogen induced condition,
the rabies virus alters the chemicals of the hosts’ brain to seek out other
people to infect.
The disease would have to be genetically
manipulated through us or change through evolution in order to keep the host
alive. Typically with cases of Rabies, within 10 days of symptoms presenting
themselves the host dies. These symptoms include dehydration, anxiety,
hallucinations, and even hydrophobia (fear of water). Coupled with the
insatiable urge to bite things, I think we have a pathogenic candidate.
I’m sure there are other viruses out there we
haven’t even discovered yet, or combinations of viruses that could create this
effect. There’s more than likely some mad scientist in the hidden hive basement
of Pfizer synthesizing an apocalypse right now. Time will only tell, but for
now, we’re going to move onto our next concern.
Gamma rays!
Chernobyl Chompers
That’s Chernobyl.
It’s a Power Plant in Russia. But it’s not just any old power plant; it’s a
nuclear power plant. In 1986 it experienced one of the worst meltdowns in
history, releasing 100 times more radiation than both Hiroshima and Nagasaki’s
bombings in WWII combined. A sarcophagus was built around the plant to contain
the disaster somewhat, but not before afflicting everyone in the surrounding
area and designating the entire area around it uninhabitable due to abnormally
high concentrations of radiation still lingering in the soil to date.
In 1968 George Romero
released his classic film “Night of the Living Dead.” In it, zombies were
created via radiation exposure. If this were possible wouldn’t we have seen
this following the Chernobyl disaster? Or even the Fukushima meltdown in recent
years?
Probably not. That
kind of radiation deteriorates the body at alarming rates everywhere,
eventually leading to organ failure and death. The victim is hardly able to
conjure the energy to walk, let alone prowl alleyways in search of brains.
But what about
Vladmir Putin’s Zombie Ray Gun announced in 2012?
The most reputable
source I could find on this was the Daily Mail in the UK. I don’t really find
them to be the most reliable of fact-based journalism, but sometimes they hit
the nail on the hand. Allegedly, this “Super-Weapon” uses microwaves, which are
electromagnetic radiation, to target the central nervous system of the victim,
thereby inducing a zombie-like state briefly. Some reports account that even
some Special Forces guys couldn’t handle the use of the weapon on them.
While this isn’t
likely to kickstart Armageddon by Walkers, the concept is based in Science
Fact. A few years ago articles were surfacing all over the web about “Zombie
Fish”. The truth is, these fish weren’t zombies, and they were being targeted
by researchers for disease and ecological study in select rivers. Their method
of extraction? A big pole that conducted a current through the water via
electromagnetic waves. This caused the fish to become paralyzed and gently
float to the surface unharmed. The look in their eyes and behavior was an
aquatic equivalent enough to coin them the sobriquet Zombie Fish, but alas,
this was just a nickname.
Radiation poisoning
is highly unlikely to cause an apocalypse. But what about space? Could zombies
come from space?
Xeno-Biological Re-Animation
I love Neil
Degrasse Tyson. I have a lot of respect for Jon Stewart and his program The
Daily Show. When the two are combined it mixes intelligent conversation, with
hilarity and typically the viewer leaves the program knowing more than they did
before going into it. That’s why when they teamed up for the sidesplittingly
funny segment “Buzzkill of Science” I had to watch it a hundred and thirteen
times.
As you can see from
the video, reanimated humans? Highly improbable, reanimated aliens? Why the
hell not.
It’s true, the
cosmos is infinite and we don’t know what’s out there. It’s possible a race
like the one Neil described on The Daily Show exists. Only time will tell.
Hopefully though, we discover the Space Zombie colonies first and not the other
way around, after all, we wouldn’t want Earth to become an intergalactic
buffet.
Zombie Janey’s Got A
Gun
The last ones we’re going to talk about today
are the Weaponized zombies. These can pretty much be made out of any kind of
zombie really. This however implies that there is still some level of complex
thought available to the zombie, making this scenario extremely unlikely.
In fact, unless its something like a kamikaze
zombie rigged by humans to be exploded, weaponized zombies go against the very
definition of the word, “zombie”. Aside from the fact that in supernatural
definition it’s the reanimation of a corpse, the use of it in personality terms
is someone who is “wooden, listless, or otherwise without cognitive thought. An
automaton.” A zombie able to fire a weapon, even somewhat accurately, requires
more complex thought than the definition provides.
So what is the military going to do in the
event of a zombie apocalypse?
Contingency of a
Contingency Plan
While you can almost guarantee the government
is going to set up boundaries, borders, perimeters, and safe zones, you can also
bet that the fictitious training exercise released to the public isn’t going to
be the actual plan. We’ve seen the movies; we’ve seen the media they drew this
silly plan from. But if an actual outbreak was to occur, we wouldn’t see that
plan, because it wouldn’t be nearly as light hearted or humorous as this one.
You can almost bet they would protect power,
water, and sewage with their lives and resources. They would also screen the
parts of the cities that they deemed useful as Forward Operating Bases. While I’m
sure survivors would be rescued, they wouldn’t be herded into hospitable environments.
They would be caged and isolated to lower the chances of further infection,
regardless of whether they had the disease or not.
In short, while this was a fun guide to read,
don’t read too much into it. I posted the link to it yesterday so head over and
finish Part One to read the actual DOD strategy. It’s extremely thorough. And it should
be. It’s intended to train a future generation of individuals to devise
strategies to protect this country from ANY enemy, foreign, domestic, or even
fictional.
So I promised you a list of the most likely
Zombie Apocalypse Scenarios right? Alright, here’s your list, arranged from 01
being the Least likely to 08 being the Most:
01. Poultry Based Apocalypse? Eh…not likely. As
scary as chicken zombies sound I highly doubt they would pose any real threat
to human life, other than being extremely weird looking.
02. Plant Biters? Once again, not
likely. Just a fun Tower Defense game. I don’t even know how it made the DOD’s
list.
03. Groaning Gunslingers? Fat chance. Most
zombies can’t even walk very well, let alone reload a pistol.
04. The Irradiated Reanimated? Nope. The body would
deteriorate too fast, plus infection couldn’t be spread through classic means
of mastication (biting you, you perverts) so the disease would have difficulty
transmitting.
05. Made In Haiti? This one is actually
somewhat viable as we saw yesterday from Clairvius Narcisse (Part One). The problem is it would be difficult to replicate on a global
pandemic scale and could only be contained into isolated scenarios given the
complex rituals of keeping the indoctrinated infected with the various venoms.
06. Symbiotic Relationships? Scientists are
pretty clever. We talked about Cordyceps yesterday (Part One also) and their effect on ants. If this was genetically manipulated
there is a strong probability it could infect humans as well.
07. Through A Bad Cough? Lab accidents
happen, and it’s possible to create a strain of rabies that could behave
similar to a zombie virus. I hope not but this seems like one of the most
likely scenarios.
08. Extraterrestrial Xenozombies? You heard it folks.
Neil Degrasse Tyson said it. Don’t rule out Space Zombies.
I know it seems as though I’ve used the word “likely”
and “possible” a lot throughout this article. But that’s kind of what I do here
at To Infinity and…In Theory. It’s in my name. I enjoy the theoretical sides of
Science, because I find it fascinating when Science Fiction becomes Science
Fact.
However I think I can pass on a zombie
apocalypse and if research is currently going on into this abhorrent nightmare
scenario I beg of you to stop. Regardless of whether they come from the minds
of the creators of movies like “28 Days Later” and are aggressive and fast, or
are more “The Walking Dead” and meander toward you at a listless pace, they’re
relentless nonetheless. It’s a terrifying thought.
Until the next potential apocalypse folks, I
bit- I mean, bid you adieu.
-Ryan Sanders
Thanks for reading
everyone! For more information on anything discussed in the article above today
feel free to follow the links below. Share this around on Twitter and Facebook
and stock up on supplies! You never know when the apocalypse could strike!
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